BUY THINGS.
MAKE IT WORSE.
Every purchase supports Dip's ongoing campaign to remain uneaten, except the products that obviously make that harder.
PATENT PENDING IN FEARCryoCone™
A real* dipped cone engineered not to begin melting until you open the box. Before opening, the internal state is classified as “none of your business.”
*Not real. Cone may scream during unboxing. Do not shake to confirm consciousness.
BAG FOR CONE™
A tiny translucent plastic bag sized for one emotionally complex cone. Handles included at no additional emotional cost.
†Award issued by Bag For Cone LLC to Bag For Cone LLC.
SAYS 14 THINGSTalking Dip Plush
Squeeze his chocolate shell to hear phrases including “WHO IS HOLDING ME?”, “IS THIS A PICNIC?”, and one legally inadvisable whisper.
Chocolate Shell Repair Putty
Patch cosmetic shell fractures in seconds. Smells like chocolate, tastes like lawsuit. Includes tiny drywall knife.
Collector Steve Spoon
It is a spoon. It says STEVE on the handle. Numbered edition of 10,000 identical spoons. Dip asked us not to sell this.
The Invisible Cone
An empty archival-grade box containing one invisible cone or possibly no cone. You cannot prove either outcome.
Dip's Prescription Sunglasses
Tiny sunglasses with non-prescription lenses. Dip's prescription is mostly “stop looking directly at the sun.”
Official Legal Documents
Twenty-seven pages of waivers, melted property forms, and one cease-and-desist addressed to August.
Founder’s Cone
Visually and functionally identical to the $89.99 CryoCone™, but comes with a black card that says FOUNDER and makes finance people nod.
YOUR CART
No purchases occur. The store is fictional. The anxiety is artisanal.